


Year

by Tren



Category: Senyuu.
Genre: Depression, Gen, M/M, Masochism, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, tags for the sexual content tba, when the said content occurs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2015-01-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 02:52:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2491796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tren/pseuds/Tren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year can be a very short or a very long time, depending on how you view it. However, as Alba discovers, when you miss someone and desperately want to save them, a year is mostly a very difficult time for you. Especially, if you are a low level hero with lacking self-confidence and a hopeless crush on an ill-fated legendary hero.</p>
<p>NOTE. On hiatus due to real life responsibilities and lack of inspiration. I may return to it if I find some free time and my Senyuu muse (which seems to have died several months ago), but for now expect no updates in the nearest future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eins

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of those things I always wanted to write, but for the longest time I couldn't get to it. This is pretty much a compilation of my hedcanons about what happened between first and second arc. I have no idea how often I will upload this series, since the episodic nature of the story makes me write this rather disjointingly. Once a month, perhaps? Ha ha ha.
> 
> Also I want to warn readers early on that this will be by no means easy ride. Expect a lot of issues when it comes to Alba (notably self-depreciation, a bit of self-hatred and a mild depression), as well as sexual content (I already hate myself for making this an integral part of the story). That being said, enjoy a rather innocent and hopeful beginning.
> 
> ...I hope my training when it comes to soul-crushing won't go to waste. Well, this time at least there will be a happy ending, so you don't have to worry about that, my faithful readers.

Missing Ross, Alba figured out, was just like having a hole in yourself. It was as if there was an emptiness in a place where there have previously been something. Something important.

At least this was what he came up with when he was lying on the bench in the prison cell, waiting for Ruki to arrange for his release. The procedure was taking some time, so for now he had to be patient.  
He rolled on the side. He still felt sad whenever he remembered how Ross just disappeared before his eyes, but he decided to be strong. Right after he is released from the prison he will try to find why Ross can’t just defeat Demon Lord and a way to save him.

Alba rolled once more, trying to get some rest, but somehow he couldn’t fall asleep as readily as always.

*

Ruki was very reliable. It did take several days, but he was now legally and officially a free man once more. She seemed to be intent to continue travelling with him and Alba agreed readily. She didn’t have any place to go, maybe aside from the Castle, but considering that Rudolph was there… yeah, it was safer if she stayed with Alba. As long as she stayed on sidelines she shouldn’t be harmed and her magic was well suited for providing support from distance. Even if it did have some nasty side effects.

She also got him some new clothes. He felt he needed to make a fresh start. He was beginning a new, different journey. And since he wanted to change himself why not start with his attire.

Not to mention he was slowly growing out of his old shirts. 

As they both stood before the prison Alba announced his intentions to Ruki. After hearing this she hung her head slightly and then said:

“Err.. actually… Ross is the Demon Lord’s son.”

Alba looked at her blankly and then burst out laughing. He watched Ruki provide a further explanation. It was rather convoluted and unbelievable. Alba listened in silence. Even if it was a tall tale he shouldn’t just outright dismiss it. Ruki was putting effort into it. However, when she got to explaining why there was a needed to seal Rchimedes, the boy decided it was enough.

“Ruki, even if it was a good joke in the beginning you shouldn’t joke around for too long. The punchline will lose its charm like that, you know?”

Ruki looked at him with a shocked expression. She probably didn’t expect her attempts at cheering him up would end up criticized. Alba guessed she was looking after him in her own way. He felt grateful towards her, but, really, this joke was way too stretched.

*

Unfortunately, finding your heroic resolve didn’t come with any helpful bonuses like stats increase or new special moves. It merely meant that you have found a new goal and that your system of values has changed a bit.

Alba thought it was a real shame, as he barely avoided an attack made by one of the slimes. No amount of newfound resolve could change the fact that he was being overwhelmed by the group of the weakest monsters there were.

No, even worse than that. He would have been overwhelmed from the very beginning if Ruki hadn’t been creating gates to dispose of some of the slimes. Even with her continually lowering their numbers, he still couldn’t get an upper hand.

In his frustration Alba, swung his sword at the nearest slime, but three others took this chance and tackled him at the same time.

“Alba!” Ruki cried from distance.

The blond wanted to tell her he is alright, but there wasn’t enough oxygen left in his lungs for that. Logically, slimes which consisted of, well, slime shouldn’t have been able to tackle with such a strength, but somehow they could. Alba pondered upon this mystery as he received a barrage of attacks. The sword fell from his hand after one of the monsters managed to land a critical hit and now he didn’t even have a way of protecting himself. The boy curled into a foetal position instinctually as he tried to protect himself. He could feel a pain and a certain amount of stickiness. He realized his consciousness was slowly going dim. Was he going to die here? Killed by a bunch of slimes? 

Suddenly he felt a hand grabbing him. He realized it was Ruki’s. With the last bits of his strength he jumped in that direction. There was a more familiar kind of pain as Alba felt his ribs cracking, and it only got worse as he hit the ground.

He laid there unable to move, making pitiful noises.

“Quick, eat this!” He heard Ruki shouting. She lifted his head slightly and then stuffed something into it. He almost chocked at first, but forced himself to chew the bitter herb that was put into his mouth. As he swallowed it, he felt more steady.

“Quick, they are coming into this direction!” Ruki urged him desperately and Alba remembered that her gates didn’t have a big range. The slimes were close by and if they didn’t run they would have to fight them again.

He stood up, still wobbling and entered the gate again. The pain almost made him pass out again, but this time they managed to create enough distance to lose enemy’s pursuit.

Alba laid propped on the tree and looked with unfocused eyes into the sky, while Ruki searched for a healing potion inside her gate.

“That didn’t go well…” the boy said quietly. His voice was coarse.

“Just wait a moment, Alba,” Ruki begged as she pulled her head for a moment to look at him, before resuming her search. “Ah, here it is!”

She quickly returned with a bottle of red mixture which she put into Alba’s hands.

The boy clumsily uncorked the bottle and then looked at it with grimace. He hated healing potions. They were awfully bitter, scorched his throat whenever he drank them and left metallic aftertaste in his mouth. But it would help, so he took a sip. He almost spat it back after he felt a painful sensation in his throat. It seemed that the more damage he sustained, the worse his body’s reaction to the potion was. Alba forced himself to swallow and almost immediately felt a warmth. It wasn’t really a reassuring warmth. It was more of an empty warmth that just filled a battered body, after its owner stopped feeling anything else. Alba forced himself to drink the rest of potion and after that he just laid there, tired. Ruki was sitting next to him with a worried expression.

“I’m fine,” he finally said.

“It was close,” Ruki replied in a pained voice.

“I’m sorry. I will watch out next time,” Alba promised.

He needed to shape up if he wanted to save Ross.

*

At some point they run into Hime, who apparently also decided to exterminate some monsters, albeit for slightly different reasons.

“My father is at fault to certain extent. Sure, he wasn’t a mastermind, but still his vanity got us into a mess and I want to fix some of it,” the girl explained as three of them sat around the fire.

“I see. How about we split the work? You need Hime-dan, so you can’t travel too far, so how about you take care of the monsters in the proximity of the castle, while I and Ruki take care of those further away?” Alba suggested.

“Ah, that would really help… but are you sure it will be alright?” She asked with a sudden worry.  
“No, it’s fine. You are really strong, so you should have no problem taking care of monsters here. There are some tough ones here that I can’t take care of right now, anyway. I’m still a half-baked hero, but I will do my best to improve myself. For now I’m just concentrating on the weaker ones,” Alba admitted.

Hime looked at him surprised.

“You really think I’m that reliable?”

“More reliable than me anyway. There are a lot of villages near the castle so this is a responsible job, but I think you are up to it. I mean you don’t have to do it alone, you have Alles and Rudolph and other soldiers in the castle so you can rely on them. It’s part of their job after all. As a princess you just need to make sure they don’t slack off,” Alba continued.

Hime smiled a bit hearing that.

“I guess you are right. Then I will do my best! And you also aren’t alone. You are one of the heroes dispatched by the king. There is no bounty for the Demon Lord anymore, but since you are still doing your work as a hero, I can make sure you will get some support. Please visit castle regularly to make reports and I will provide you with some equipment,” Hime announced with a smile.

“Really? That would help a lot. Thank you Hime!”

The trio smiled at each other happily.

*

At the end of the month Alba began to improve visibly. Slimes were not a problem anymore for him, so he began fighting a slightly more powerful monsters. Still, he avoided anything more powerful. After that dangerous situation with slimes Alba made sure to play it safe. However, the slow progress irritated him to some extent. The month has passed and there was no bigger change. All he could do was beat up some slimes.

He couldn’t help feeling slightly unhappy.


	2. Zwei

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The life has been busy and somehow stressful for me. So short status update as for my fic activity. "Youth and Havoc" is going on indefinite hiatus until I sort things out - it's simply not something I want to write half-heartedly. I really love the story so I will definitely return to it, but I can't promise when it will happen. As for this fic, I will try to update it monthly. The chapters are about 1-2k words short, so I should be able to keep up the pace. I mostly struggle with ideas for this fic (chapter 5 continues to remain blank to my frustration).  
> As for the future. There is a fic for GW2 I have written, which I will post, once it returns from the person who agreed to do beta on it. I spent the last month writing this fic, and it had eaten almost all of my writing time (but it was totally worth it). Now that I have finished it, I'm working on my Yuletide project and it will probably eat away my free time in the upcoming month.
> 
> So yeah, that's how the schedule looks like. Just so you know that I'm not dead, just busy.
> 
> Now, enjoy a new chapter of Alba suffering.

_“Do your best Alba!”_

_“I know you can do it.”_

Alba abruptly woke up from his dream.

He sat for a moment as he realized just what exactly he saw. In the dream the scene from month ago had replayed itself. Alba sighed. Remembering that event still hurt him. The idea that he may never see Ross was excruciating, but, in a way, it was a comforting kind of pain. At least it meant that he still remembered Ross. More than anything, Alba was afraid that he would forget him. Because if he stopped caring about the fate of a lonely legendary hero, then who would? Only Ruki would be left and she was too weak to save him alone. Once again, Alba realized just how solitary life hero Creasion has lead. Now that thousand years have passed there was no one he knew. All people he had known were dead. His friends and family were surely no longer alive.

Were they even alive when he was a hero? Somehow the stories never mentioned this aspect of his life…

Alba felt curious.

*

“Guh!” Alba made a pained noise, as his opponent struck him. The blond realized he lost his balance, but couldn’t stop the fall. He watched in the silent horror as the goblin that he was fighting moved once more to hit him. The boy tried to twist his body to minimalize the damage, but it was for naught. 

Alba flew for a moment in the air, before hitting a ground.

He couldn’t help feeling that recently he has experienced way too much direct contact with the land. He was actually used to lying lifelessly on it. In those moments of exhaustion and agony, the ground felt like a close friend.

“It’s no time to get sentimental!” Alba shouted as he rolled, avoiding the blow from the mace his opponent was wielding. He quickly rose up and moved his sword to parry the next blow.

However, his movement was too sluggish and Hero ended up disarmed as the sword he was holding slipped out of his hand after receiving impact and flew into the air. The boy watched helplessly as it landed three meters away. He jumped in that direction, but the goblin wasn’t going to waste the opening he created.

The mace mercilessly struck Alba’s back.

The boy screamed and fell onto the ground. The next blow arrived immediately, this time targeting his hip. Another pained cry resounded through the plain. The goblin swung his weapon for the third time, but this time his attack didn’t reach the boy.

Instead, his hand disappeared in the black portal.

Goblin stopped moving confused. Alba, who saw this with the corner of his eye, realized this was his only chance. Despite the pain, he forced himself to jump from the ground, tackling the bewildered goblin. As his opponent fell onto the ground, Alba forced himself to maintain his balance and then quickly launched himself into the portal.

Goblin watched in confusion as the black hole disappeared as suddenly, as it appeared.

*

“You really saved me there, Ruki,” Alba said as he breathed loudly. His heart was still beating rapidly after the fight. The adrenaline made it possible to ignore the pain for a moment, but with each second he could feel the pang in his back and hip more and more sharply. Not to mention cracked ribs. It was a good thing goblin was too surprised to realize they were still in vicinity and left.

After she made sure it was safe, Ruki pulled a healing potion out of her portal and handed it to Alba. He winced as he saw the bottle. He was starting to unconditionally hate the elixir, but he also knew he had no choice.

Alba nostalgically recalled how pleasant the healing magic used by Ross felt in comparison. It was possible to find healers in the bigger cities, but it would take time to return to the nearest one. And wasting time was one of the last things the boy wanted to do.

Not to mention, healers were more expensive than potions.

He quickly drank the potion and then made a loud noise full of disgust. Ruki watched him carefully.

“Maybe we should return to slaying weaker demons?” She suggested, as she gave Alba grape Fanta, so he could wash away the horrible aftertaste left by the healing potion.

“They don’t give that much experience points,” Alba pointed out. “It would take more time.”

“But you won’t get any points if you keep losing!” She retorted.

The boy sighed.

“Look Ruki, I know I’m not doing all that well, but I… I need to move forward. I can’t just stay in one place afraid to confront stronger monsters. Ross would laugh at me,” Alba explained. ”And I know I can do it. I can defeat this goblin. Just give me some time to improve…”

“I’m not rushing you,” Ruki said, the worry evident in her voice. “I just don’t like seeing you hurt!”

The hero could understand the sentiment. He also hated to see his friends being in pain. And this was precisely why…

“I understand, Ruki, and I’m sorry. But we can’t back from this,” Alba said decisively. “Fighting monsters is dangerous. I’ve always knew that. This is precisely why I can’t hesitate. If I start doubting myself again. It will be over,” he explained, as he looked at Ruki with a slightly embarrassed expression.

The girl sighed, but then smiled at her companion.

“Of course you can do it!”

Alba smiled shyly as he heard the encouragement.

*

“Um, could you teach me some techniques Foyfoy?” Alba asked the former hero, now butler.

He and Ruki came to the castle for their end of the month report. They were going to stay there until the next day and Alba figured out it would be a good occasion to ask his senior for some help.

“Eh? You were traveling with legendary hero. You really think you should ask someone like me for help?”

“I didn’t really learn much,” Alba admitted while feeling guilt, because Ross has been trying to teach him. It was so clear now. The boy felt like an idiot for not noticing this until it was too late. He should have taken it more seriously. Worked harder. Become a better hero.

Maybe then Ross wouldn’t have to disappear…

Alba shook his head, trying to get rid of his negative thoughts. Regret wouldn’t help him now.

“Please, could you help me?” He pleaded softly.

Foyfoy looked away.

“Alright, if I won’t have anything to do this evening I can help you a bit,” he agreed reluctantly. “But just this once.”

Alba thanked him happily.

The butler did manage to find some time in his schedule. After an hour of training, Foyfoy decided they should take a break.

“You really lack stamina, you know,” the older boy pointed out.

“I guess…” Alba admitted as he panted. He was lying flat on the ground. Meanwhile Foyfoy just sat next to him, not nearly as exhausted as his sparring partner.

“And you are slow. Your swings should be much quicker if you want to hit anything.”

“R-right.”

“And aside from what I have shown you just now, none of my techniques fits you.”

“Ha… I see,” Alba muttered resigned.

There was a moment of silence, during which the younger boy managed to steady his breathing.

“Then maybe you can give an advice…” Alba said suddenly and then asked. “How do you become a hero?”

Foyfoy looked into distance. He had an inscrutable look.

“I don’t really know about becoming a hero,” he began after a moment. “But you have a person you want to save, right?”

Alba wanted to nod, but realized there was no need to, because Foyfoy immediately continued.

“Then you should just use any method you can to save that person. No matter how low or dirty. It’s not a very heroic thing to say, but that is what I believe. Because as long as you save that person it doesn’t really matter what other people may think.”

The younger boy fell quiet after hearing that. It didn’t feel like the answer that he was seeking. After all he had to save Ross as a hero. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have a meaning.

“I don’t really think that’s the way, but thank you for the advice,” Alba said choosing his words carefully.

Foyfoy chuckled.

“I thought you would understand, but I guess I was wrong,” he said and then made a lonely smile.

Alba wanted to ask what he meant, but before he could, Foyfoy extended his hand.

“We should return to the training. After all, this is the only time I will do this.”

“Right!” Alba said and quickly got up.

But after the training ended and the boy was left alone, he still felt he didn’t understand anything. Guess, he would have to figure out how to be a true hero on his own.


	3. Drei

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm frustrated, so here is a new chapter because I just want to update something and this is the only thing available. And this fic is so frustrating. I usually PLAN things and think about STRUCTURE. But not here. This is like the most random thing I wrote and it feels so painfully disjointed to me. I want it to be nice and beautiful and stuff, but I mostly spend time hitting my desk with my head (metaphorically speaking, of course). I don't think any Senyuu fic ever required so much _my_ suffering to write.
> 
> That's probably the divine retribution for writing sad Albatross. I was meant to write happy things. I should have known better!
> 
> For now enjoy the last happy chapter before I start breaking Alba into tiny pieces. And your hearts, I hope.

As the third month began Alba realized he was becoming very curious about the Ross’ past.

In the stories Creasion was just a perfect, self-made hero who appeared out of nowhere to save the world by sealing an evil Demon Lord. But none of them mentioned why he became hero. After knowing him, Alba was sure Ross didn’t do it for a lofty reason like saving the world. 

No, he is a type that saves what’s before his eyes.

Was there someone important to him in the past?

However, that was thousand year ago. That person must have been already dead…

Did it mean that Alba was as important, since Creasion decided to repeat his sacrifice?

He couldn’t help pondering those questions. Questions, which as he realized, weren’t exactly related to the matter of figuring out how to save Ross. Some of them were his own selfish inquiries and he knew he shouldn’t be wasting time on them.

But part of him couldn’t stop questioning Ross’ motives. Alba felt as if he was trying to find something there, but he didn’t even know what he was searching for.

*

“Ruki, what am I searching for?” He asked. The Demon Lord looked at him confused. She was in the middle of bandaging Alba’s arm.

“We are searching for the way to save Ross, aren’t we?” She answered, obviously not seeing the point of the question.

“You know, recently I feel as though I’m missing something. Like a hidden objective,” Alba admitted.

Ruki looked at him critically.

“Honestly, Alba, you are too weak to search for hidden levels at this point,” she pointed out, as she finished patching up her friend.

“I’m not talking about that!” The boy shouted and then sighed. “Sorry, guess I’m just overthinking things. Let’s get going.”

As Alba moved forward, Ruki smiled enigmatically watching his back.

*

The village they entered was plagued by a swarm of imps.

Alba decided he hates imps, while he desperately avoided being stabbed by a trident.

They weren’t exactly strong, but they were fast and very nimble. Their wings allowed them to have a great mobility in air.

Alba and Ruki managed to find a lone imp and tried to ambush it, but their effort was futile. The imp noticed the attack and then countered it. Due to that Alba’s right arm has been pierced by a trident. The attack wasn’t that strong, but it took away some hit points and a bit of blood was now trickling down his hand. Whenever he moved his right arm, he could feel a stab of pain.

The boy moved, avoiding the next attack. Imp was starting to look impatient and repositioned himself to launch a flurry of attacks.

“Watch out! He’s going to turn you into strainer!”

“Don’t just decide that he will succeed!” Alba shouted and then moved his sword towards the incoming attack.

There was a loud sound of metal clashing, as Hero successfully managed to block the attack.

“You did it!” Ruki shouted in disbelief.

“I did it,” Alba repeated equally surprised. However, he couldn’t dwell too long on his success, because imp moved the trident backwards. Without thinking the boy moved forward to match that motion and not allow a quick counterattack. His opponent hadn’t expected that, so it was completely unprepared when Alba thrust his hand forward to change the angle of sword and then hit the trident from the bottom, so that it would fly upwards. The imp’s side was now wide open and Hero seized this chance and swung his sword into it. The opponent shrieked and tried to swing the trident down onto Alba, but it was too slow. During that time Alba managed to slightly withdraw the blade and then thrust it into the imp’s stomach. Another cry of pain was cut short, as the monster disappeared, disintegrating into light. 

As the adrenaline started to withdraw, the boy fell onto the ground tired, but satisfied.

“I did it!” He repeated happily once more.

Before he realized it, Ruki was by his side and jumped on him.

“You did it, you defeated that monster on the first try!” She cried excitedly. “I knew you could do it.”

Alba smiled widely.

“Yeah. Let’s continue working hard, so we can get even better and save Ross!”

*

“I’m really looking forward meeting everyone again,” Alba said happily as he and Ruki walked towards the castle. They decided to make their monthly report slightly earlier this month, because they planned to visit some of the more distant villages and wanted to have some extra time for that.  
Suddenly they heard a metallic sound. Both of them quickly, but cautiously moved in that direction. What they found was…

“Pulverize them, Hime-dan!!!”

…a familiar armour that was mercilessly beating up a monster twice its size. The basilisk which the armour pinned to the ground was trying to escape, writhing and hissing, but without any success. Finally, the barrage of punches depleted its hit points to zero and the monster disappeared with a screech. The armour slowly stood up and took a breath.

“Ufff, that was tiring. But also satisfying,” the person inside said.

Ruki and Alba who watched the whole scene from the distance were quiet for a moment.

“It seems Hime is also doing well,” Ruki finally said.

“Yes, it was a good idea to leave things in her hands,” Alba agreed. There was another pause as he thought about what he saw. “Somehow I feel I should be working harder.”

Ruki only nodded in agreement and both of them moved towards the armour to greet their friend.

*

At the end of the month both of them could sincerely say that they have improved. Alba’s basic stats were much higher than before and he was getting better and better when it came to his sword skills. Ruki, on the other hand, was slowly managing to create bigger distance between her gates. Both of them have managed to break through the most difficult stage of their growth and were now levelling with much more ease.

“With this, we should be able to save Ross soon,” Alba said happily.

Ruki also smiled.

“If Alba continues working so hard, we will save him in no time!”

“Though, we still don’t know what is the deal with him and Demon Lord,” the boy muttered, as he looked into the distance.

Ruki looked at him blankly and said nothing.

“But we will definitely find some lead soon. I mean, there should be some records of it!” Alba added with a forced certainty.

“I’m sure we will,” Ruki agreed.

Alba would feel much better, if it didn’t sound as though both of them were forcing themselves to believe that.


	4. Vier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to Beth, for helping me with the fic. You can thank her for the fact that this chapter has less misplaced articles than usual. And probably for her contributions that will make this fic even more heart-wrenching than it is now. But that's more when it comes to the future chapters.
> 
> The tags has been added, now that we are on the one third of the story, since we are nearing the part where not-nice things happen. Actually, they begin with this chapter. Please, take extra note of the Masochism tag. I love that interpretation of Alba and trust me, I will make you appreciate it.
> 
> On the side note, discovering that one of the people who gave me kudos changed their nick to Demon_Dorito was one of the more surreal things to happen to me. Apparently, when you stare into the abyss long enough, it favs you back.

The fourth month was very busy. Since Alba has gotten better with his swordplay, he was now taking less damage during his battles, which meant he could fight more often. Together with Ruki he took the full advantage of this fact. They would now engage the hordes of monsters more often and as a result they were levelling up much faster than during the previous months.

The days passed on grinding and travel.

Grinding, travel, sleep, grinding, travel, sleep, grinding, travel, sleep, grinding, travel…

*

“I don’t think there is anything here, Alba,” Ruki said, as she closed the book she was checking. Alba sighed as he realized that the one he was reading also didn’t contain any clues.

They had reached a city that was big enough to actually possess a half-decent library. Unlike others it contained something more than the usual standard of literary works, which consisted of the books on farming, the rather biased accounts of great deeds of the previous kings, and a popular picture book for children about the heroes.

That last one was something that Alba knew by heart. He grew up wanting to be like the heroes in that book.

 _Come to think of it, this was the first time I heard about Creasion_ , Alba thought as he eyed the spine of that particular book. Recently, he seemed to think about his disappeared friend much less.

_I never thought I would meet him._

Before he could stop himself, a flurry of images moved before his eyes.

A strange man that appeared before him as he was running away from the tornado.

Meeting him again, as he finally reached the city, only to discover they would be now travelling together.

His casual cruelty, as he found it perfectly normal to bully his companion.

Insults, sneak attacks, outright disobedience, snarky comments…

His casual kindness, as he found it equally normal to look after his companion.

First aid, cooked meals, advices and hints, a twisted sort of loyalty…

Their strange journey, which was horrible, but at the same time felt like the greatest thing that had ever happened to Alba.

That unreasonable goodbye…

Something twisted painfully inside his stomach. A powerful feeling of rejection welled inside the boy. It was unfair that they couldn’t be together. They were supposed to travel together. Defeat the Demon Lord together. Sure, they may have side-tracked a lot on their journey, but it should have been okay!

“Is something wrong?” Ruki asked, making Alba snap out of thoughts.

He quickly shook his head.

“It’s nothing. I think we won’t find anything more here. There were supposed to be some green slimes near the town. Let’s fight them a bit before it gets dark.”

Ruki didn’t protest, but she still threw worried glances towards him.

Alba meanwhile just smiled a bit, as he clenched his fists.

Maybe if he beat some monsters, those feelings would go away.

*

“Am I doing the right thing, Ruki?” Alba asked one day as both of them laid in their beds and tried to fall asleep.

“What do you mean by that?” the girl asked, trying not to succumb to the slumber now that she was asked the question.

“I-I’m pretty determined you know. To save Ross,” Alba said awkwardly. “And to do that I need to unseal the Demon Lord. But if we unseal him and then fail to defeat him the world may be destroyed.”

“Yes,” Ruki said quietly. Her voice suggested that she had thought about this before.

“And, you know, there are many people important to me in this world. Like my mom and dad, and you, and Hime, and other people at the castle, and people from my home town. And I’ve been thinking that… that they may all die if we don’t manage to defeat the Demon Lord,” Alba admitted in a wavering voice.

“Are you scared we will fail?” Ruki asked, looking at Alba. He closed his eyes.

“Of course, I am!” He admitted and his voice came out slightly high-pitched. “I’m weak. Even if I continue to improve we won’t know if I will ever reach the level at which I can win against him. I might die before we even unseal him,” he admitted with despair.

Ruki fell quiet upon hearing this confession.

“Do you want to give up?” she asked. Alba could hear it in her voice that she was afraid what his answer would be. But she asked the question nevertheless, because she was more resolute than any child should be in the face of hardships she shouldn’t be facing in the first place.

There was a slight pause, but Alba eventually answered in a surprisingly level tone of voice.

“No, I’m not giving up.”

“Then you shouldn’t be anxious, Alba! As long as, we give our all, we should just move forward without worrying about this,” Ruki said trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

Alba looked at her. She realized his gaze was somehow empty.

“But Ruki, isn’t this bad? Isn’t it bad, that I don’t want to stop even though I’m going to put everyone in danger?” Alba asked. His voice was full of fear, as he questioned his own motives. The young Demon Lord was silent, as she desperately tried to find some sort of answer to that question.

“I-I don’t think that’s really a problem, Alba,” she finally said. “Beside it’s not like we have any way of unsealing grandpa! We are preparing for his unsealing but we still haven’t found any way of doing it. So unless we find some way to unseal him and actually do it we are innocent, aren’t we?” she frantically explained, trying to be as reassuring as possible. Alba listened to her attentively.

“Right. I guess you are right. I really shouldn’t worry so much. We haven’t done anything yet.”

“Yes, you are such worrywart!” Ruki agreed. “You shouldn’t feel guilty about things you haven’t done, you know!”

“Sorry, that was stupid of me,” Alba apologized as he gave her a small smile. “Thanks for talking with me Ruki. Goodnight,” he said as he turned his back on her.

“Night,” she said as she hid herself under the blanket.

Soon the girl drifted into sleep, but Alba continued to lie with his eyes open.

*

After one of the more tiring days, while he was resting in the inn, Alba noticed that a strange sort of exhaustion was plaguing him. He quickly realized it might be due to his arduous training regime. He might have been rushing this. He looked at his battered sword. He would need to return to the castle soon to get some new equipment.

Suddenly, Alba froze. His sight slowly moved from his sword to his forearm.

It was covered in scars and bruises. Even with the constant use of healing potions some of the injuries would leave a mark. The boy raised his shirt slightly to confirm what he already knew. His stomach was also covered with bruises and scars. He looked at it, as if he had seen it for the first time.

For a moment he felt anxious, but then he moved his gaze to the left and then traced a scar on his side. He had been stabbed there. With a dagger. It was a memory of happier times. He touched the scar once more to make sure it was still there. The thought that there was a sign left over from the injury that Ross had caused, somehow calmed him. It was a reassuring physical embodiment of the fact that Ross used to be there. Alba fervently searched for other scars of similar origins. He took off his shirt and shorts, so he could pinpoint them more easily. With each he found, he would remember the time when he acquired it.

A fun time. A painful time.

He didn’t even realize at what point he broke into tears, which didn’t stop. 

“Damn it,” he muttered, but he wasn’t sure what those words were aimed at. The uncaring reality or his own pathetic self? 

Alba curled on the bed and then slowly cried himself to sleep.

*

“Are you doing okay?” Hime asked him, when he finally returned to castle.

Alba who was going through the selection of swords, stopped upon hearing that.

“Eh? I’m fine. I mean, I got a nasty blow to the shoulder, but it’s healing well,” he explained.

“I’m not talking about that. How to put it… Are you _feeling_ well?” she asked, as she placed her hand over her own heart.

The boy paused, mostly because he had no idea how to answer this.

“Who knows?” he said, while shrugging.

She sighed.

“You boys are just horrible when it comes to talking about your emotions.”

“You are the last person to make harsh judgements when it comes to being honest about your feelings!” Alba retorted immediately.

She casted her eyes downwards.

“Maybe you are right. But you know, it won’t help to rush things up.”

“I’m not rushing things. It’s just that it has already been four months. Four,” Alba stressed that last part. Each month that passed was the month during which Ross wasn’t with them. Wasn’t this a reason good enough to try and speed up things as much as possible?

Hime went quiet, but then looked at Alba with determination.

“I want you to remember you aren’t carrying this burden alone. We are all here, so you can rely on us.”

“That’s what I’m doing, isn’t it?” Alba asked, as he found a fitting sword and swung it. It felt comfortable in his hand. “I will be taking this one.”

“That’s not what I mean!” Hime shouted slightly annoyed and then sighed once again. “Just so you know, if you ever want to talk about it, we will gladly listen. You don’t have to deal with _those_ things alone.”

Alba turned towards her and smiled.

“I understood what you meant. Thank you for your concern. I appreciate it. But I still don’t see what you want me to talk about.”

The smile didn’t leave Alba’s lips, but the boy was faking his grin. Hime shook her head and left the room.

It wasn’t like he lied. He didn’t want to talk about Ross with her. Not because he didn’t trust Hime, but because he had no idea how to put it in words. After all, everything came back to the fact that he missed Ross. He wanted to talk with him again, joke with him again, hear his voice, see that ironic smirk… 

It sounded too pathetic, even to his own ears, to share those feelings with someone else.


	5. Fünf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I survived the exam session. Somehow. Probably. I still have exams on Monday, but the worst is behind me. Gosh, doing two courses at the same time sucks. However, being a great person that I am, I still managed to get a new chapter ready in the meantime.
> 
> As before huge thanks to Beth. Thanks to her input, this chapter has 20% more masochism and self-loathing than the original version had. And a lot of grammar problems fixed too.

_The night was dark and calm. Nothing stirred in the forest or interrupted the quietness that seemed to stretch between the trees._

_Well, almost._

_“How long will you continue to turn from one side to the other, Hero? I can’t sleep with all the racket you are making!” An annoyed voice broke the silence._

_“Waaah, I’m sorry!” Alba apologized without thinking._

_The two of them were camping in the woods. It was first time Alba had ever slept outside._

_“If you understand, then stop shifting. I’m a light sleeper, you know?” Ross complained. He really sounded irritated._

_“I’m sorry, but I just… I just can’t fall asleep,” the boy explained, as he rolled to look at his companion who was lying some distance away from him. He could faintly see his silhouette. The soldier was lying on his back and looking at the stars. Alba blinked in the darkness. “It’s the first time I’m so far away from home and sleeping in the wilderness…” he admitted slightly embarrassed. It wasn’t a very heroic-like to have sleeping problems._

_Ross remained silent. Alba thought that the lack of response was ominous._

_“I-I’m sorry, I will try to sleep now!” he apologized once more as he forced himself to close his eyes._

_“You don’t have to be so anxious about it,” Ross finally said._

_Alba opened his eyes and looked at his companion, not comprehending the situation._

_“You might be away from home, but you aren’t alone, so don’t worry,” Soldier said. There was something akin to kindness in his voice. Maybe even empathy. Alba was so surprised, he didn’t know how to answer. He remained silent._

_“Then again, you are pretty useless, so it’s not surprising you are scared from a little camping adventure. Honestly, what a scaredy-hero!” The usual amount of insults followed shortly after the reassurance._

_“I’m not!” Alba denied immediately._

_There was a sound of snickering in the darkness. The boy covered himself more tightly with the blanket in indignation, but he quickly calmed down. Somehow the knowledge that someone else was nearby, comforted him. Soon he found himself slowly drifting into slumber._

_“Soldier…” he muttered, wanting to communicate his feelings before he fell asleep._

_“What?”_

_“Thank you…” Alba managed to say before the tranquil darkness embraced him._

*

“Alba! Alba!” A familiar voice resounded next to him and he realized someone had been shaking him. However, it wasn’t Ross’ voice. It was a voice of a girl.

“Ruki…” the boy mumbled. He realized he was lying on a piece of paper that had glued itself to his cheek and that he was drooling on said parchment.

As he came back to reality, Alba quickly raised his head, making sure that he separated himself carefully from the book he was lying on.

“I-I feel asleep,” he said in realization.

“Yeah,” Ruki confirmed as she looked at Alba’s cheek, on which several words from the book had imprinted themselves. “You spent the whole night sleeping here!” she said in anger. “You promised to get some sleep once you finished looking through one more book!”

“I’m sorry. It seems I was more tired than I thought,” Alba replied absent-mindedly as he touched his dirtied cheek.

“You don’t look well, I think you should rest and get some more sleep,” Ruki suggested.

“I can’t! We are supposed to get rid of those demonic insects today,” Alba pointed out, standing up to fully awaken himself.

She blocked his path. “It can wait until tomorrow,” the girl retorted.

“No, it can’t. We can’t leave the people of this city alone,” the boy insisted as he tried to find some way to bypass Ruki without trampling her.

“We aren’t leaving them alone! They can wait one day until you get better,” Ruki continued to argue, her arms crossed. Alba attempted to skirt around her, but she took another step to block his path.

“I am fine!” he exclaimed in annoyance. “Why can’t you understand that?”

“You don’t look fine!”

“Like that’s anything new…” the boy replied sarcastically, mostly to himself. It was first time Ruki was so insistent on him staying away from the battle and it was irritating him.

Ruki refused to budge. “You look worse than usual!” she explained, arms spread out to block him further, her expression intent.

Alba sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t feel like continuing this topic. 

“Fine,” he conceded after a moment. “How about I sleep some more now and we can go get those insects in the evening. Does that sound okay?” He suggested, voice still full of annoyance.

Ruki looked at him harshly, but then she relented, arms slowly lowering to her sides.

“Okay,” she said, “but you need to get some proper rest.”

“Yes, I will,” Alba answered, harsher than he had intended, and he stormed off towards his room. 

Ruki wanted to wish him a good sleep, but the words wouldn’t leave her throat. Her face was full of sadness and distress as she watched him leave.

*

“Why did I get so angry at Ruki?” Alba wondered out loud as he started to dress up.

Now that he had slept some more he realized just how childish their quarrel was. Even worse, the young Demon Lord was just worried about him. He shouldn’t have dismissed her like that.

Alba sighed.

“Maybe I really should take a break?” He wondered.

Recently he had been spending all his time fighting monsters or researching about Creasion. He could use a break. Maybe a week without combating anything dangerous or searching for elusive clues.

Just resting without worrying.

Not thinking about Ross or his horrible fate…

Alba suddenly recalled the dream he had today. Something surged inside of him and without thinking he punched the mattress. 

Then he hit it again. 

And again.

He felt repulsion and hatred. He wasn’t sure towards what it was directed. It was just there. Like a powerful stomach ache that you can’t get rid of. It was as if his innards were aflame and gnarling painfully. Alba just couldn’t contain himself, so he continued to strike the mattress again and again. There was no reason to this repetitive action, but something inside of him needed _out_ , and the mattress continued to suffer under his onslaught. 

Alba started panting, growing tired, but he couldn’t stop just yet.

He wanted to expel all those things that made him feel sick. He wanted to vomit them all. To throw up until there was nothing repugnant inside of him anymore. 

To get rid of everything that was wrong.

He lost count of how many times he struck the innocent bed, before the violent urge left him. He stared blankly at his own clenched fist.

“Why?” He asked, startled, but there was no one to answer him. Suddenly, he felt foreign in his own body. He had never done something like that. He wasn’t a person to relish in mindless violence. That wasn’t him. Couldn’t be him. Surely, this was just some strange reaction due to stress.

This definitely wasn’t a part of him. That would be preposterous.

Alba decided he should get going. Somehow the perspective of slashing the demonic insects seemed much more attractive now. The strange knotting feeling in his stomach hadn’t fully subsided and Alba could feel some kind of tension, deep inside him, which origins he couldn’t pinpoint.

But he was fine. If he waited it off, it would definitely go away. Just like always.

As he finished dressing himself he cast his eyes on a piece of red fabric. It was tattered and slightly dirtied. Ross had worn it for three months after all, so it wasn’t in the best condition to begin with, but ever since Alba took possession of it the cloth had clearly taken much more damage. The boy stood still, as he looked at what remained of the scarf. He has been tying it to his belt as a sort of good luck charm. To remember what he was fighting for. However, looking at it today made Alba feel something akin to pain. 

Last night’s dream replayed itself before his eyes and his mind quickly supplied the boy with other similar recollections of the time he spent together with Ross. 

Alba realized that tears were welling in his eyes. But he couldn’t start wailing now. He had things to do. It was no time to cry. He had to force those memories away.

He had already wasted too much time.

He had to move on.

He couldn’t stop, so…

The boy moved away from the bed and, as he stood next to the wall, deliberately smashed his fist into it. Then screamed as the pain jolted through his whole body.

“Alba!” Ruki appeared immediately through one of her portals, her face full of concern. “What happened?”

“I lost my balance and hit the wall,” the boy lied as he made a troubled expression. His hand was already swelling up. At least now Ruki wouldn’t think his tears were weird.

She frowned when she saw his reddening hand. “You should watch out more!” she chastised him, pulling out a small healing potion and handing it to him.

“Yeah, I know,” he agreed. Luckily, the pain had managed to push his sorrow into the back of his mind, just as he hoped. The warmth of agony was pulsing through his hand. He smiled timidly as he thanked Ruki and then took a sip of the potion. Truthfully, right now the prickling heat in his hand felt much more reassuring than the empty warmth of healing potion. It was almost calming how his hand swelled and his muscles protested whenever he tried to move his fingers. He purposefully clenched them and felt a prickle of pain. He smiled at that.

Alba passively waited for the mixture to burn through his throat. The metallic aftertaste was less annoying than usual.

“We should get going. The potion should heal me on the way,” Alba said, as he stood up.

Ruki just nodded and then moved towards the door.

The boy gathered his equipment, but then stopped next to the bed. He slowly grabbed the scarf. Alba felt a horrible yearning just by looking at it. Shaking it off, he carefully tied the red cloth to his belt and then joined Ruki.

The demonic swarm plaguing the city was completely wiped out that day.

*

Alba sat on his bed and stared at the red piece of clothing. It was evening of the same day. The whole village made a small feast to celebrate his deed. The boy spent some time with them, but then excused himself saying that he was tired.

Unfortunately, because he slept so irregularly today, he was suffering from wakefulness.

He was fatigued. Hunting down all the insects took several hours. He had exhausted all his stamina, he had a number of new wounds and a certain amount of toxicity in his body from the stings. He really wished he could drift into the sleep so he wouldn’t have to feel all of it. After several hours of slumber his body would be in a better shape. He wouldn’t be so tired. So lifeless.

But he couldn’t. When he closed his eyes, he vividly remembered the combat, the sensation of slashing the insects and the fear he had experienced. Those visions stimulated him, and he could almost taste the satisfaction and exhilaration of the fight he had felt back then, but not quite. Recalling it made him increasingly restless and uncomfortable.

So rather than that he sat and stared emptily at the red scarf that Ross had left.

At first he thought that maybe he would start crying, just like he did earlier. But that didn’t happen. He simply sat on his bed, with scarf in his hand, and looked at it. He knew it was the only memento he had of Ross. He knew how important it was, but at the moment he felt utterly detached. Maybe it was due to exhaustion. The emotions seemed to be there, but they were muted. Alien. Buried.  
Alba was feeling sick from this sudden emptiness. He was supposed to _feel_ something. Ross was _important_. It was wrong to ignore him. To act detached. Even if it was despair, Alba desperately wished to feel something at this moment. Something.

Anything.

And suddenly he did. He blinked and then looked at his hand in surprised. He was clenching it so tightly that it started to hurt. The hero flexed his fingers in wonder.

A slight pang of pain travelled through his fingers.

Pain.

Pain was fine.

With a concentrated look, Alba touched his stomach in a place where he had a huge bruise. He got it during today’s fight, when he fell on a rock. He started to apply pressure there. His nerves immediately protested, as feeling of agony jolted through his body. Alba winced, but there was also a feeling of triumph. He repeated the process, but this time it didn’t hurt so much. He forgot how quickly his body got used to pain now that he forced himself to battle every day.

So on the third try he just hit the bruise with his clenched fist.

This time he doubled over as excruciating pain seared through him. He rolled into ball instinctively and tears appeared in his eyes.

That last one was horrible. Almost as bad as that time when Ross hit him with a blunt side of his sword in stomach. He ended up with a huge gash back then. It was also the first time Alba drank healing potion and even with its help a week passed before the injury healed. Ross felt a bit bad about that wound. He obviously miscalculated how much strength he should have used during that sparring match. It didn’t stop him from jabbing Alba into stomach to make him hurt more, though.

The boy realized his tears weren’t caused by a physical pain anymore and smiled. He could still feel. It was fine. As long as he remembered Ross it would be fine. Everything would be fine. He just had to move on to not stop because if he did it would be bad, and he can’t–he wouldn’t handle it because it’s Ross and he never admitted it – can’t admit it – but for the longest time it was like that – feels like it was always like that but it can’t be right it’s too late too late for everything he wasted time so he has to work hard to recover that but there’s no time it’s running out and he… he… how long can he…?

Amidst the tears and his confusing thoughts Alba slowly drifted into sleep.


End file.
